


I'm Drowning Without You

by Daisyith



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-07 22:37:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10371306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyith/pseuds/Daisyith
Summary: After finding out about Jenson's retirement, Sebastian is upset. Jenson tries to reassure him that everything'll be fine when it comes to the next season, but will it?





	1. I Don't Want You To Leave

Rain splashed against the clear glass of the hotel window. The gentle pitter patter echoed throughout the otherwise silent room. Sebastian’s eyes followed the path of a particular drop, willing it to travel quicker than its neighbouring partner - much like he’d done as a child. He reached out, tracing the journey with his forefinger. He watched as it moved across the length of the glass before collecting in a pool at the bottom of the window frame. As it did so, Sebastian sighed miserably, he knew everything had to come to an end eventually. But that didn’t make it any easier. 

The world outside had distorted into a blur of colour. The streetlights and cars swirling into one. Sebastian wasn’t sure if it was the rain against the window or the tears falling from his eyes. There were so many people out there, all laughing, smiling, being happy. They were in a world of ignorant bliss, of carefree fun. Sebastian longed to feel that way again.

It had been so long since Sebastian had truly felt happy.  His life had once again been filled with the demands of the racing world: the early mornings, the strict fitness regime, the endless press interviews and the long hours. It left very little free time, very little time to do what he wanted or to see his family. And to make it worse, he now knew there wasn’t always going to be the sparkling blue eyes or wicked grin to cheer him up. Those days were going to be over very soon. Seb knew he had to respect the other’s choices but it made the thought of future race weekends near impossible. For 10 years, they’d shared laughter and jokes, smiles and yawns. For 5 of those 10 years, it had been something more. What had started as just having a mentor, someone to look out for him, had quickly turned into a secret but deep and meaningful love. But now, Sebastian wasn’t sure how he was going to cope without that person constantly in his life. It was going to make seeing each other near impossible...

Sebastian took a deep, shaky breath. He tried to still his hands but they trembled as he brought one up to run through his wild curls. He leant forwards, resting his forehead against the cool glass.

So lost in thought, Sebastian didn’t hear the door open and click shut or the sound of footsteps on the plush carpet. It was only when calloused fingers rested on his shoulder that he realised someone was behind him. He opened his eyes and turned to face the one man he’d been so desperately craving.

“Hey Buddy…” Jenson murmured sadly, he used the pad of his thumb to gently brush away the fallen tears. Sebastian’s eyes were red and swollen, his cheeks shiny with shed tears. He cautiously moved his hand to Seb’s waist and gently squeezed. This wasn’t the confident, cocky individual the world saw. This was Sebastian at his most vulnerable, “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Sebastian dropped his gaze to the floor. It had been during an interview that he’d found out about Jenson’s decision, the words falling from the mouth of some unknown stranger. His whole world suddenly halted as his mind began to spin. He’d made an excuse about not feeling well and he’d fled. Fled all the way to the comfort of his hotel room where he’d slipped an oversized hoodie over his small frame. This wasn’t the way he’d wanted to find out. It wasn’t what he deserved. Jenson had been toying with the idea of retirement for a couple of years now but Sebastian hadn’t realised it would happen quite so soon. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, his voice sounding empty and broken.

Jenson sighed as he opened his arms, enveloping Sebastian’s body in a tight hug. He felt Sebastian wrap his arms around his waist and bury his nose into his shoulder, “I wasn’t allowed to Seb, contract and everything.” It sounded stupid now that he’d voiced the team’s decision - he should have fought, demanded the right to tell who he wanted, when he wanted. A wave of guilt washed over him, he shouldn’t have let Seb find out this way. 

“I don’t want you to leave…” Even to his own ears, Sebastian knew it sounded pathetic but he couldn’t help the way his bottom lip stuck out like a little child.

“It won't ever be goodbye, not really.” Jenson explained, running his fingers through Sebastian’s soft curls in what he hoped was a soothing manner, “McLaren’ll have me at most race meetings even if I’m not in the car.” 

Sebastian sniffled sadly and nodded against Jenson’s shoulder. Jenson gently cupped Seb’s cheek, his thumb smoothing over the damp skin. He carefully moved Sebastian’s head until he was looking into red-rimmed eyes, “Besides I’ll be there when you get back, I’m not going anywhere.” Jenson pressed a flurry of gentle kisses to Sebastian’s cheeks, his nose, his forehead - anywhere he could reach, “You’re stuck with me I’m afraid.”

Sebastian smiled through watery eyes, leaning into every touch “Good.” He said firmly.

Jenson chuckled, “Glad to hear it.” He said as he finally let his lips capture Sebastian’s chapped ones in a soft kiss, “Now c’mon let’s go to bed, you must be exhausted.” 

Sebastian glanced out the window behind him and noticed not only that the rain had finally stopped but the world was bathed in a warm, orange glow where the sun had begun to set. It was only then that he realised how heavy his eyes felt and tired his body was. He reached up and carelessly brushed away the fallen tears on his cheeks and took a deep, steadying breath. Seb took Jenson’s hand in his own, finding comfort in the warmth of his skin. He allowed himself to be led to the double bed and let Jenson’s nimble fingers unbutton his shirt and jeans. He then slid beneath the covers and curled himself around Jenson’s body, resting on his chest.

Sebastian was determined to enjoy the last few races they had together, every second counted.


	2. Determined A

The track was bathed in a warm, orange glow - the Australian sun beating strong. The air felt thick, and the ground hot. Sebastian sighed, the motion causing a brief disrupt in the muggy air and left a small breeze momentarily cooling his skin. He could feel a small bead of sweat running down the side of his nose. Beneath his race gear, overalls and fireproofs, his skin felt damp and sticky. Already, he was looking forward to letting the cold water of his motorhome shower pound against his skin. But he still had the whole race to go first…

Sebastian fidgeted on the hard plastic of his chair, trying to find a somewhat comfortable position. They had been here for nearly 10 minutes now but in this dry heat, that felt like far too long. He turned his head and looked behind him, trying to catch the gaze of a very familiar pair of blue eyes - he knew how Jenson hated the pre-season photograph too. But as he scanned the people standing behind him, he remembered. Seb felt his heart sink and tears form behind his dark sunglasses. He remembered Jenson wasn’t in the photograph, he wasn’t in the race - and he wouldn’t be again.

“Right everyone look at the camera. On three.” The photographer called. Sebastian snapped his head back to face the front.

“One.”

Sebastian took a deep, shaky breath.

“Two.”

He forced the corners of his mouth upwards into a smile. How could he have forgotten? He knew Jenson would be sat at home, eyes glued to the television screen as he awaited the start of the race. Despite Sebastian’s complaints that it would be too late due to the time differences, Jenson had insisted. There had been a tearful hug and goodbye as they’d parted ways at the airport - Sebastian travelling to Australia by himself for the first time since he’d begun racing. The flight had dragged more than usual, the 23 hours seeming like an eternity. But eventually, he’d landed. And eventually, he’d been able to hear Jenson’s voice over the telephone. He’d better get used to that, talking on the phone rather than in person...

“Three.”

As the clicker sounded, Sebastian slumped forwards in his chair, feeling miserable. Despite the 19 other drivers surrounding him, he had never felt so alone. The one person he needed, so desperately wanted to see was no-where to be found. Sebastian brought his water bottle to his lips as he tried to compose himself. The cool water splashed onto his dry lips, instantly wetting the skin. He took huge gulps, trying to will away the lump in his throat. 

Slowly, Sebastian rose from his chair and strode towards the motorhome. He had no intent on stopping for anyone or anything. He couldn’t be dealing with the media today, not even fans could put a smile on his face. He ignored the looks of confusion and concern as he hurried through the paddock and past his race engineers. As he entered his own personal room, he shut the door behind him and began sifting through his race bag.

He didn’t have long before he was expected back on the grid but Sebastian knew in the depths of his bag was an old and worn hoodie. The colour was charcoal grey, the size slightly too big for his slim shoulders. It had been gifted to him just before the race by Jenson, a token to remember him by when Seb was feeling lonely. He brought the material to his cheek, taking comfort in the softness against his skin - many a night he recalled sleeping curled up against Jenson’s chest who was donned in this exact fabric. The sweet scent of coffee and chocolate lingered on the material and he inhaled deeply, trying to imagine Jenson was in the room with him. 

Tucked deep inside the hood was a small piece of folded paper that fluttered to the floor as Sebastian turned the hoodie over in his hands. Curious, he retrieved it and unfolded it. He smiled at the familiar untidy scrawl and began to read:

_Dear Seb,_

_Get out there and win it! Just remember, I’ll always be waiting for you back at home._

_Good luck my champion,  
Love Jense x _

Even without being here, Jenson knew exactly how to cheer Sebastian up. With a deep breath, he folded the piece of paper and tucked it securely into his travel bag, wanting to keep it safe. After one last inhale, he returned the hoodie to its original position and took his helmet and gloves from the side of his bed. He pushed all thoughts of Jenson out of his head and strode determinedly towards the garage. It was time. He was going to win. He was going to win it for Jenson...


	3. Determined 2

"So..." Jenson began, "Who won?" He tried to keep the smirk out of his voice as he cradled the phone to his ear. He sounded tired, the early hours of the morning catching up to him.

"Did- Didn't you watch?" Sebastian queried, sounding hurt. Jenson had promised to watch the race and that thought had been the only thing that kept Sebastian going through the weekend.

Jenson let a soft chuckle escape from between his parted lips, "Of course I did Buddy, wouldn't have missed it for the world. Congratulations!" 

Sebastian smiled, feeling genuine happiness course through his veins. But that might have just been the champagne... "Thanks!" It hadn't just been a race win - it had been the first race of the season, the first victory in two years. It was more than just a win to Sebastian, it a sign of things changing, of things looking up.

"So how should we celebrate when you get back?" Instantly, Sebastian's mind turned to the intimate moments in their hotel rooms. It didn't matter whether it was a race celebration or forgetting a failure, they would always end up in each other's arms. But that couldn't happen today. 

A wave of sadness washed over Sebastian, clouding his previous excitement. He had been distracted by the race and podium celebration, too busy to feel upset. But now, as he prepared to board a 23 hour flight, his thoughts had caught up with him. He thumbed over the white piece of paper in his pocket, the words already internalised, "I wish you were here..." He murmured quietly, just loud enough for Jenson to hear. 

"I know Buddy, I know. But hey, you'll be back in 'sunny' old England before you know it."

Sebastian's bottom lip pushed forwards into a pout, "That's still too long."

"Oh Seb..." Jenson sighed, he hated knowing Sebastian was unhappy, "This time tomorrow you'll be back and we have a whole two weeks together."

"I know, I just miss you."

" And I miss you too Seb. Next time I'll be at the race to see you win."

There was a moment of silence before Sebastian spoke again. He listened as the airport tannoy system announced the boarding of his flight. "I've gotta go, see you tomorrow Jense."

"See you tomorrow." Jenson echoed, "Try and get some sleep on the plane, love you."

Reluctantly, Sebastian pulled himself from the plastic chair and headed for the airport, his bag slung across one shoulder. 

It wouldn't be long until he was back in England, back with Jenson. And then, everything would be good again.

\------

With a sigh, Sebastian combed his fingers through his hair. He felt exhausted, having slept very little during the journey. He knew his skin was pale, shaded purple beneath his eyes. A pair of tracksuit trousers were slung low around his waist, Jenson's grey hoodie swamping his small frame. 

Sebastian walked through the airport, pulling two suitcases behind him. Packed deep inside one was the silver trophy of his victory. He scanned the crowds of people, a smile spreading over his face as his eyes landed on a familiar figure. Quickening his pace, he strode towards Jenson, depositing his bags as he stood on his tiptoes and wrapped his arms around Jenson's neck. He breathed deeply, inhaling the sweet scent of coffee and chocolate. Jenson's large hands splayed across his lower back, holding him tightly,

"Good to see you again Seb." He said softly. Oh how Sebastian had missed this man.

"Good to be home." Sebastian mumbled into Jenson's clothing, comfortable and not wanting to move.

Jenson lifted his hand, running his fingers through Sebastian's hair. The curls were soft beneath his touch and as he twisted each strand, they stuck upwards in a wild direction, "We'll work it out Seb, I promise. But now, I think we need to get you to bed."

Sebastian looked up at Jenson through long lashes, suddenly feeling more awake, "Care to join me?" 

Jenson chuckled, "I've been waiting all weekend." He untangled himself from Sebastian, grabbing the handle of one of his suitcases and began walking in the direction of the car. It wouldn't be long until they were tucked up in bed, a mess of sweat dampened limbs...


End file.
